Sunday, August 13, 2017

First year of medicine


Its Sunday, August 13th now. Im on the bed, covering half of my leg with white scented duvet, laying back on the cushion with my phone charging playing music by my side. Curtains are tied, with the smell of my katy perry perfume on it. Room is cold, aircond with fan altogether making comforting sound. 

🌞🌻 A bright, happy sunday it is 🌻🌞

Forth block of the first year has finished yesterday. Im just gonna rest for today and start studying again tomorrow for my university examination. I wish i could cs im still the malas procrastinator of all time lol. I think i should start early cause i dont wanna feel gelabah and in race with the time with another sleepless night. Damn it was hard. Forth block was the hardest i could say, but the rest are all the same too. I had never imagined sleeping at 4-5am staying up and forcing myself to drink 2 sachets of coffee in a cup for the sake of keeping me awake. At one point, my head and hands are all shaky cause maybe the caffeine had lost its effect on me. I feel sorry for my body and mind though. Been awaken the whole night, memorising everything, man baby steps to be a doctor was difficult gila nak mampus. At it was just my first year!!! Im just like, what, the mitosis stage of developing a baby...??

Anyway, I woke up today with head feels so light. Wanted to stay cuddle in bed but raof called and ajak go out for roti canai breakfast. On sunday lazy morning (....??) Considering the feedback of the parotha and it's the end of my year here, im so up for some social activity. Plus, i kinda have a rough time here with the one that i used to look up and it has been bothering me for so long now. I need the escape from this. Lol farina it was just a breakfast out why should i complicate things hahaha ok so i went lah kan for makan. Then we went to have some fresh coconut drink. It was fun!

Now im back in bed writing this. Next imma go for saree hunting and spend the rest of the evening at Malpe Beach watching sunset yay. Eventhough the company wasn't the same as having your bestfriends, family and boyfriend, i think it's okay as long as you have someone to talk to. Im opening my heart to let people in and trying to appreciate more people surrounding me cause im tired of people leaving and forgetting me so i just gonna treat them on surface, and look at all the positive things they also had done to me.

The rest of my first year here was, the lonely one. It was sorrowful, gloomy, disconsolated and... alone. Until at one time i am so comfortable being alone. And it still is. It makes me just love being by myself and thinking that im okay without anyone, i thought it was independent, little did i know i am just alone. I might up for a lengthy post on what are the things that are troubling my heart, later. But for now, all is good.


In this year too, i had my downfall breakups. What makes it worse is, no one was there to comfort me. No one and no one especiallly when Alysha is not here, it makes everything fall bad. It still hurts me whenever i teringat about my breakups days, it is so hurtful i still feel it up until now. Man, it was hard. Never. Never ever do that to anyone else people, its affecting them throughout their life. 

I get back from school for lunch, not having my lunch and i just cuddle in bed, and cry.
I get back from school at 5pm, not doing anything and cry till asleep before i woke up again and study.
I studied with my heart crying
I showered and i don't know which tears or which shower
I slept the whole night, crying, cowering and hitting my chest so hard but it still doesnt hurt cause it breaks on the inside and it is more painful inside that the bruises outside. I crumpled my comforter so bad to control the pain. It hurts so so so so much i don't know if any words ever suit to explain it.

Why people cry on breakups? Cause theyall blaming themselves for not be good enough when they thought they had done the best for the one they love. They cry because it was painful when someone you love cut you totally out of his life when all that you had ever depend was on him. When all things you did everday for when the years had passed by, you tell them everything and on one morning the next day you wake up and opened your eyes, it was all gone. All gone. You dont have anyone to do that again, dont have anyone to pour your heart out, no reason to look up to your handphone cause all that's left was the memories and photos of you guys happily smiling but now my heart aches so much. To make it worse, i build myself up again all. by. my. self. all by myself. 

And if one day if he asked to get back, it will never be the same. You restrict opening to them again and you could feel was scared. You scared to give them again cause they'll crashed them like it is nothing when they get it again. Never ever let anyone hold you like he's the only one making you strong. No. You are strong because of you. No matter how incomplete you might feel, you have to make yourself whole again for the reason is yourself, not anyone else. People are just passing by your life to add spices and excitement but at the end of the day, when you look back, all you have now in your heart and mind is your own self. You build yourself up because of you.

"You never know how strong you are until it is the only option". True-est. 

My first year was good. It was okay.

Tears are my bestfriend now and i hope it'll be less/gone next.

And i hope it gets better on the second year though. Cause im not okay for another lonely phase when im 22 next year. 


No comments: