What is love, anyways?

You can deffo see someone's feeling when you stare them in the eyes.  Eyes are the curtain of feelings, they say. We once stared each other but maybe i was blind by my heart and wasn't clear about it but i claimed he loves me. Truth can be overshadowed too.

They say;

Do not depend on someone
Do not put expectations
Do not hoping to get the same level of love back
Do not get attached
Do not give your utmost love and heart

But isn't that how it is to be in love? You don't get to choose who will knock deep inside you heart. You cannot set a line of not getting attached coz how do you know to what extend it will be? You don't have the power to stop yourself from putting hopes up high and making dreams together coz that is why you guys are together as we see our future in them. You cannot not get attached cause what is the purpose of having someone if you're not gonna depend on him? Everyone is someone's weakness. 

I am so torn in between do not give your heart fully and love fully cause you might not known maybe he is the one. As far as i learned from the heart ache he gave me, i shouldnt get too attached but now we're back together, i just can't stop myself. How can you do that to someone you really really love?

But the way he acts right now;

Did not ask how am i doing today, my feelings, my day

Did not care and ignore when i ask to have the same whatsapp wallpaper

Did not put an effort to sing me Perfect by Ed Sheeran when i asked few months back

Did not give the same strength of excitement when i tell something that excites me

Did not honestly comfort me and all he'd say is just "it's okay, benda dah jadi" or "tawakal je lah" or takde rezeki nak buat macammana"

Did not get excited to plan anything for our date
Did not get excited for seeing me after half a year being away
Did not even have a heart to pujuk me back, but yell at me instead.

I can even fit our 24hours conversations in one screen nowadays.

I AM FUCKING TIRED of having to face someone that does not even treat me as he is in love meanwhile im like a fool missing and admiring how good we were. How can i NOT sad and make scene cause honestly i am so terasa. If i were to being left like this, i'd be very tawar hati and on that time i will never get back to him ever again. 

Cause at the end of the day, i just want someone to ask me whether i am okay or not. 

4 years of friendship is saved, today

Assalamualaikum

I have this conflict with jal who is the person i was very very closed to until he replaced me with someone that i dont um.. prefer? (hate) At first i gave them space and i chill my ass down but i have been silence for 4 months and he still did not realise anything especially i made our distance CRYSTAL CLEAR. But man, boys can be so dumb. The more i think, the more my heart aches knowing that i was at her place before!!! for god sake i. am. not. jealous. I just felt replaced and it's different...............

After i finished phonecall with my boyfriend, i just can't sleep. And it makes me think so hard that i know i couldnt bear it anymore. So i called amzar unintentionally cs i tengok he was active in instagram last night. Then we talked, i honestly cried but i cover la cause malu but i just felt extremely sad considering we ignored each other for months and he chose perempuan tu over me!!!!

Ikhmal was there too so they both comforted and dyingly asked me to confront and talk to jal myself and put my pride down for the sake of saving my heart from ached and our friendship. Ikhmal said he would be so dissapointed if he knows the next morning that i didnt call jal lol but they're so nice to me.

They said "honestly, far, you cannot be alone. It's difficult and you have to face them for more than 5 years later on and just so you know we're here. Just called and cakap "hey i need some of your words or just ask to lepak together, we're definitely okay with that"

see.....that's the reason i have >>more guy friends that girls cause tbh girls are troublesome.

And so i did..... I braved myself (aka forced) to called then it says he was on another call. I WAS PISSED I KNOW HES ON CALL WITH THAT freaking bitch. So i sad.....and amzar went to jal's room to make sure he didnt. Turns out it was hemen calling to ask jal to play dota lol wtv then i tried second time.

And we talk............................. until 4 am

penat tulis. im sleepy so i guess i continue this someother day lol goodnight

(its 2pm lol bye)