Second (same) year

Remember the last post i wrote, "4 years of friendship is saved tonight"? well, not quite.

Im back here in emptiness for 2 weeks and my heart, and myself is still screaming in silence.

I cannot put my heart to pour, i can't write...I feel so empty yet so much

What is love, anyways?

You can deffo see someone's feeling when you stare them in the eyes.  Eyes are the curtain of feelings, they say. We once stared each other but maybe i was blind by my heart and wasn't clear about it but i claimed he loves me. Truth can be overshadowed too.

They say;

Do not depend on someone
Do not put expectations
Do not hoping to get the same level of love back
Do not get attached
Do not give your utmost love and heart

But isn't that how it is to be in love? You don't get to choose who will knock deep inside you heart. You cannot set a line of not getting attached coz how do you know to what extend it will be? You don't have the power to stop yourself from putting hopes up high and making dreams together coz that is why you guys are together as we see our future in them. You cannot not get attached cause what is the purpose of having someone if you're not gonna depend on him? Everyone is someone's weakness. 

I am so torn in between do not give your heart fully and love fully cause you might not known maybe he is the one. As far as i learned from the heart ache he gave me, i shouldnt get too attached but now we're back together, i just can't stop myself. How can you do that to someone you really really love?

But the way he acts right now;

Did not ask how am i doing today, my feelings, my day

Did not care and ignore when i ask to have the same whatsapp wallpaper

Did not put an effort to sing me Perfect by Ed Sheeran when i asked few months back

Did not give the same strength of excitement when i tell something that excites me

Did not honestly comfort me and all he'd say is just "it's okay, benda dah jadi" or "tawakal je lah" or takde rezeki nak buat macammana"

Did not get excited to plan anything for our date
Did not get excited for seeing me after half a year being away
Did not even have a heart to pujuk me back, but yell at me instead.

I can even fit our 24hours conversations in one screen nowadays.

I AM FUCKING TIRED of having to face someone that does not even treat me as he is in love meanwhile im like a fool missing and admiring how good we were. How can i NOT sad and make scene cause honestly i am so terasa. If i were to being left like this, i'd be very tawar hati and on that time i will never get back to him ever again. 

Cause at the end of the day, i just want someone to ask me whether i am okay or not. 

4 years of friendship is saved, today

Assalamualaikum

I have this conflict with jal who is the person i was very very closed to until he replaced me with someone that i dont um.. prefer? (hate) At first i gave them space and i chill my ass down but i have been silence for 4 months and he still did not realise anything especially i made our distance CRYSTAL CLEAR. But man, boys can be so dumb. The more i think, the more my heart aches knowing that i was at her place before!!! for god sake i. am. not. jealous. I just felt replaced and it's different...............

After i finished phonecall with my boyfriend, i just can't sleep. And it makes me think so hard that i know i couldnt bear it anymore. So i called amzar unintentionally cs i tengok he was active in instagram last night. Then we talked, i honestly cried but i cover la cause malu but i just felt extremely sad considering we ignored each other for months and he chose perempuan tu over me!!!!

Ikhmal was there too so they both comforted and dyingly asked me to confront and talk to jal myself and put my pride down for the sake of saving my heart from ached and our friendship. Ikhmal said he would be so dissapointed if he knows the next morning that i didnt call jal lol but they're so nice to me.

They said "honestly, far, you cannot be alone. It's difficult and you have to face them for more than 5 years later on and just so you know we're here. Just called and cakap "hey i need some of your words or just ask to lepak together, we're definitely okay with that"

see.....that's the reason i have >>more guy friends that girls cause tbh girls are troublesome.

And so i did..... I braved myself (aka forced) to called then it says he was on another call. I WAS PISSED I KNOW HES ON CALL WITH THAT freaking bitch. So i sad.....and amzar went to jal's room to make sure he didnt. Turns out it was hemen calling to ask jal to play dota lol wtv then i tried second time.

And we talk............................. until 4 am

penat tulis. im sleepy so i guess i continue this someother day lol goodnight

(its 2pm lol bye)

First year of medicine

Assalamualaikum,

Its Sunday, August 13th now. Im on the bed, covering half of my leg with white scented duvet, laying back on the cushion with my phone charging playing music by my side. Curtains are tied, with the smell of my katy perry perfume on it. Room is cold, aircond with fan altogether making comforting sound. 

🌞🌻 A bright, happy sunday it is 🌻🌞

Forth block of the first year has finished yesterday. Im just gonna rest for today and start studying again tomorrow for my university examination. I wish i could cs im still the malas procrastinator of all time lol. I think i should start early cause i dont wanna feel gelabah and in race with the time with another sleepless night. Damn it was hard. Forth block was the hardest i could say, but the rest are all the same too. I had never imagined sleeping at 4-5am staying up and forcing myself to drink 2 sachets of coffee in a cup for the sake of keeping me awake. At one point, my head and hands are all shaky cause maybe the caffeine had lost its effect on me. I feel sorry for my body and mind though. Been awaken the whole night, memorising everything, man baby steps to be a doctor was difficult gila nak mampus. At it was just my first year!!! Im just like, what, the mitosis stage of developing a baby...??

Anyway, I woke up today with head feels so light. Wanted to stay cuddle in bed but raof called and ajak go out for roti canai breakfast. On sunday lazy morning (....??) Considering the feedback of the parotha and it's the end of my year here, im so up for some social activity. Plus, i kinda have a rough time here with the one that i used to look up and it has been bothering me for so long now. I need the escape from this. Lol farina it was just a breakfast out why should i complicate things hahaha ok so i went lah kan for makan. Then we went to have some fresh coconut drink. It was fun!

Now im back in bed writing this. Next imma go for saree hunting and spend the rest of the evening at Malpe Beach watching sunset yay. Eventhough the company wasn't the same as having your bestfriends, family and boyfriend, i think it's okay as long as you have someone to talk to. Im opening my heart to let people in and trying to appreciate more people surrounding me cause im tired of people leaving and forgetting me so i just gonna treat them on surface, and look at all the positive things they also had done to me.

The rest of my first year here was, the lonely one. It was sorrowful, gloomy, disconsolated and... alone. Until at one time i am so comfortable being alone. And it still is. It makes me just love being by myself and thinking that im okay without anyone, i thought it was independent, little did i know i am just alone. I might up for a lengthy post on what are the things that are troubling my heart, later. But for now, all is good.

HEARTBROKEN

In this year too, i had my downfall breakups. What makes it worse is, no one was there to comfort me. No one and no one especiallly when Alysha is not here, it makes everything fall bad. It still hurts me whenever i teringat about my breakups days, it is so hurtful i still feel it up until now. Man, it was hard. Never. Never ever do that to anyone else people, its affecting them throughout their life. 

I get back from school for lunch, not having my lunch and i just cuddle in bed, and cry.

I get back from school at 5pm, not doing anything and cry till asleep before i woke up again and study.

I studied with my heart crying
I showered and i don't know which tears or which shower

I slept the whole night, crying, cowering and hitting my chest so hard but it still doesnt hurt cause it breaks on the inside and it is more painful inside that the bruises outside. I crumpled my comforter so bad to control the pain. It hurts so so so so much i don't know if any words ever suit to explain it.

Why people cry on breakups? Cause theyall blaming themselves for not be good enough when they thought they had done the best for the one they love. They cry because it was painful when someone you love cut you totally out of his life when all that you had ever depend was on him. When all things you did everday for when the years had passed by, you tell them everything and on one morning the next day you wake up and opened your eyes, it was all gone. All gone. You dont have anyone to do that again, dont have anyone to pour your heart out, no reason to look up to your handphone cause all that's left was the memories and photos of you guys happily smiling but now my heart aches so much. To make it worse, i build myself up again all. by. my. self. all by myself. 

And if one day if he asked to get back, it will never be the same. You restrict opening to them again and you could feel was scared. You scared to give them again cause they'll crashed them like it is nothing when they get it again. Never ever let anyone hold you like he's the only one making you strong. No. You are strong because of you. No matter how incomplete you might feel, you have to make yourself whole again for the reason is yourself, not anyone else. People are just passing by your life to add spices and excitement but at the end of the day, when you look back, all you have now in your heart and mind is your own self. You build yourself up because of you.

"You never know how strong you are until it is the only option". True-est. 

My first year was good. It was okay.

Tears are my bestfriend now and i hope it'll be less/gone next.

And i hope it gets better on the second year though. Cause im not okay for another lonely phase when im 22 next year. 

Xoxo

A fresh start! OH IT'S AUGUST 2017!

Assalamualaikum

Oh ya Allah i don't even know where to start. Firstly, i am SO SO excited for not losing this blog. Oh no no im not gonna lose this one. It has given me so so much memories especially the high school ones eventhough my writings are mostly crap but wtv i love myself for keeping on writing for myself, not for anyone to read. Well, if they do that would be such pleasure. I really love how my taste in choosing something is very cool and simple just like the white background here, it's so clean and is not gonna be washed away by years. Oh and im thinking to keep my spinning rabbit too!! 🐰🐰🐰🐰🐇🐇 yay!! (im so cool how did i even have that stuff) Im glad im into blogging since i was belas belas years old cause you will never know you could actually heal the future you. You are enough yourself, sweetie.

Oh i feel like jumping around!!! anyway, i diverged to wordpress for about 6 months but then i realised how my heart wasn't there everytime i look at my site. It was exciting for sure but yknow, this one feels SO MUCH like home. 😍 💞💞💞  LOOK HOW BLOGSPOT HAS IMPROVED CAN INSERT EMOJI SOME MORE!!! OH MY GOD...??? SO COOL I TELL YOU

So basically how i ended up here was......i dont know, there was this one friend of mine asked:

"farina, kau tak tulis blog ke?"

and i was

yea.....i write but im not making it public cause i shy like dat.

Truth is, on my wordpress blog, i publicly put it on all my socials bio. People started to read my words, that is exactly what i want. But on the days that im not feeling myself, i want to write it too but i can't cause if i do, they wont get anything (knowledge) from me. It will be solely my deep dark side which i do not want people to feel that. Im scared if people look like im making a big deal out of it when it actually affected me deeply. Being judged. That is.

So i stop writing. Not because i want to but because i choose things that i wanna write, you know.. And it doesn't feel like myself anymore. It is more to faking myself happy and telling i am doing okay but i am not. I am certainly not. Especially when it comes to here, in Manipal. Gosh.

To be frank, i wanted to make another new blog site but i feel sad cause i already written a whole lengthy posts in the wordpress but i have to start from scratch here. I hate wasting time reorganizing to my preferences cause im very simple but cerewet. All the fonts, the backgrounds, titles, labels, urgh ok stop. I also dislike seeing my "posts" to be written ZERO. i wanted people to see that im already into blogging since fetus lol ok yea i am old enough in this world, true yeah..??

I was just trying my luck signing in and BAMMMM IT SIGNED IN. I love keeping one password for everything i have in my life lol you should do that too! So ive decided to keep this blog, no matter how shameful it will be if my friends read all the malay crap things i wrote. Hey, i was young ok?? 😂😂😂  I think i just have to write more so they'll be tired to scroll and keep up only to the newest post lol im smart i know hehe.

This is the start of something new! New life, new friends, new problems, new dramas, new change, new surroundings and same 'ol tears.

Well maybe im not meant to write smart stuff here hahaha cause im just always too hormonal and emotional. Having feelings is tiring!

I look forward to write more! I have few posts drafted in mind now lol i looooove writing and i miss it so much i know a part of me is here somewhere, since the past 5 years. Until next post,

Xoxo